A Tale of Two Marriages: Part II

photo by andy.w2008

At first glance, Mary Todd and Abraham Lincoln seem ill-matched: she, the elegant daughter of wealth and society, and Abraham the homely son of a poor frontiersman.  But the two things they held in common were enough to cement their lives together in matrimony, namely a shared literary interest and an unabashed political ambition.

Mary enjoyed a truly classical education, some of it obtained surreptitiously when she sought out the tutorship of a man who was headmaster of a private boys' school. She mastered classical literature and languages while other girls her age were sewing a fine seam. All her life she remained an avid reader and lover of the arts.

Abraham, however, did not have opportunity to sit under learned scholars but his similar thirst for knowledge drove him to self-education.  Philosophy, Burns, poems of despair such as Holmes' "Last Leaf," and other classics all became fodder for his mind's ravenous appetite. He repeated things aloud to himself to fix them in his mind. He read to himself, to Mary Todd, and to his children. In the darkest days of the Civil War, when no man or woman could share his sorrow and perplexity, he drank deeply of Shakespeare's tragedies and the Bible, especially the book of Job.

The self education of this man produced something of a rarity: a political-poet.  His succinct, well chosen words were always penned to be spoken to an audience, and in some cases his words proved absolutely spell-binding.  Lincoln's "lost speech" was so profoundly moving that the journalists laid down their pens, listening as if entranced. 

If the literary magnet was what drew their minds together as one, it was the fire of political ambition in their bellies that cemented the relationship between Mary Todd and Abraham Lincoln.  Since Abraham was subject to bouts of "hypo", which today would probably be diagnosed as manic depression, Mary's ambition was strong enough to carry them both. Without her, he may not have been able to sustain the effort that was required to rise to the top of the political barrel.

Mary would pay dearly to promote her husband's political career.  In the early days of their marriage, she was home alone with two small children for extended periods of time as Lincoln rode the circuit as a lawyer.  When he did arrive home, her loneliness was sometimes painfully extended as she had to wait out Abraham's bouts of "hypo." 

"His friends were saying, 'Poor Abraham Lincoln, married to Mary Todd'...If they knew the full facts, if they had to live with him, might they not rather say, 'Poor Mary Todd, married to Abraham Lincoln'?"

The saving grace:  the ability to re-engage in companionship and camaraderie after such absences had ended.  Mary and Abraham seemed to be able to pick up where they had left off each time, to repair the disjointedness and to move forward.  

"Would you keep me company?" seems a simplistic remedy to marital loneliness and yet it is so effective.  Visits to country clients, shared visits to wounded soldiers, a carriage ride in the country---none of these moments shared between Mary and abraham seem significant in themselves. Each is a slender thread, but the accumulation of many threads creates a tightly woven bond of unity, one that can survive even a civil war.

Engraved on the wedding ring that Abraham slipped on Mary's finger were the words "Love is Eternal." Irving Stone chose those same three words as the title of his biographical novel of Mary's life. It is a sympathetic novel, one that elevates Mary above the usual caricature of an ego-centric, materialistic, shrew.  She was a complex woman, a woman who endured the tragedy of losing two sons and several brothers. She was not always able to bear her tragedy with grace, nonetheless she was a faithful spouse and I believe her love for Abraham Lincoln survived the fires of affliction.  Her story is poignant and instructive.

Tale of Two Marriages: Part I

photo by andy.w2008

A.W. Tozer is one of my spiritual heroes. I'm now in my fourth decade of reading his incisive, literary books and essays, and have greatly benefited from his other-worldly perspective. Sadly, Tozer did not attain hero status in the eyes of his wife.

A portrait of the marriage of A.W. and Ada Tozer is chronicled in Tozer's biography, A Passion for God by Lyle Dorsett. Tozer's entry into the "deeper life," the place of mystical communion with God for which he was so respected, was birthed in the living room of his (then future) Mother-in-law. The young Tozer received the baptism of the Holy Spirit as a result of this woman's influence, an enduement of heavenly power that would launch him into a fruitful, lifelong ministry as preacher, prophet, and penman for God.

Ada was a lovely and very suitable marriage partner for the young, serious, and largely untrained preacher. Possessing a godly family heritage, she was both literate and wise. One can easily see how her gifts complemented her husband's drive and desire to be self educated and effective in using pulpit and pen.

It is unclear to me whether Ada and A.W. were ever truly soul mates. From the beginning, it seemed that A.W. had one burning desire: to know God. Everything else was incidental. In reading the early history of their marriage I almost felt out-of-breath as I traced A.W.'s course. He accepted calls to preach at the drop of a hat and sometimes Ada was left behind to secure her own passage as best she could manage. The telling of the story made me feel as though there was never time for them to focus on each other or build a strong marital foundation.

Through the decades, Ada seemed always to be two steps behind A. W. She had to secure transportation to church services as best she could by depending on others, since her husband refused to purchase an automobile. Sometimes she walked a considerable distance to church and arrived shivering from the cold, harsh Chicago winter.

Struggling with the elements was only a small part of what Ada had to deal with. Being the one partner who was always home with their seven children, her management skills were honed to the maximum in order to stretch a "half sized" paycheck to cover daily necessities for the growing brood. Why was this popular preacher's paycheck only half sized? Because A.W. disdained money. He usually returned half of his paycheck back to the church and often refused pay increases.

Most likely, A.W. Tozer was never purposely ill-intentioned toward his wife and family, but he was so singly focused on spiritual matters that his managing of practical matters bordered on insensitivity. How do two people thrive in a marriage when, for years and years, they live and move and breathe in entirely different spheres, when one is feasting on living ideas and stimulating conversations and the other is left to feast on macaroni and cheese day after day?

If Ada did not thrive, she survived. She had too much dignity to complain openly or denigrate her husband. She "made do" on cheap food, by begging rides or taking public transportation, and to her credit even extended herself to others less fortunate than herself. But by all accounts, her life exuded a marked lack of joy.

Meanwhile, A.W. was thriving in his sphere of ministry. He spent countless hours on his knees in prayer, purportedly the secret to his heavenly perspective, his powerful preaching, and his prolific writing. Young people, especially college students, benefited greatly from his ministry and he had countless speaking and conference engagements.

As I was considering the contrast between husband and wife's circumstances, it struck me that the rich writing that I have hungrily devoured was purchased at the expense of Mrs. A.W. Tozer, all of which leads me to ask: could it have been different? If the Tozer's had enjoyed a sizzling marriage, would his focus have shifted? Would his brilliant spiritual perspective have been pulled down to mediocrity? Dare I ask....would it have been better for a man like A.W. Tozer to remain unmarried?

Because I am a pastor's wife, or perhaps only because I am a woman, my sympathies are aroused and I am indignant for Ada Tozer. My mind envisions how wrongs might have been remedied and inwardly I scold Ada's insensitive husband. Then the counter arguments present themselves; great things are achieved at great cost. Both members of the marriage sacrificed themselves in different ways, and as this biography reveals, even the greatest and best among us are still only flawed earthen vessels.

A.W. said, toward the end of his life, "I've had a lonely life."

Hauntingly, Ada's recorded words were very similar: "No one knew what a lonely life I had."

There is a sense of sadness when one reads those words. Surely the difficult circumstances were not insurmountable, surely God intended joy in the midst of such circumstances. Why did they fail to penetrate the loneliness, to share the joy?

My personal experience leads me to believe that loneliness can be endured if there are sure occasions of emotional connection to look forward to. When those connecting times wane, I think that the human soul seeks to build a protective shell around the heart, a shield against the pain of loneliness. A vicious cycle is established---it becomes increasingly difficult to bridge the barrier between two beating hearts. The story of A.W. and Ada Tozer gives me renewed impetus to keep and hold sacred regular times of connecting emotionally with my beloved. Youth can rely on spontaneity, but as the years go by and responsibilities increase it takes a purposeful effort to guard spaces of time set apart for strengthening the tie that binds.

I am left with a profound sense of gratitude to both A.W. and Ada Tozer for their sacrifices and gifts that continue to strengthen my spiritual life. I am also left with the great certainty that in spite of the joy they may have missed in this life, there is a Biblical guarantee that

"Those who sow in tears

Shall reap in joy"
Psalm 126:5