Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tale of Two Marriages: Part I

photo by andy.w2008
A.W. Tozer is one of my spiritual heroes. I'm now in my fourth decade of reading his incisive, literary books and essays, and have greatly benefited from his other-worldly perspective. Sadly, Tozer did not attain hero status in the eyes of his wife.

A portrait of the marriage of A.W. and Ada Tozer is chronicled in Tozer's biography, A Passion for God by Lyle Dorsett. Tozer's entry into the "deeper life," the place of mystical communion with God for which he was so respected, was birthed in the living room of his (then future) Mother-in-law. The young Tozer received the baptism of the Holy Spirit as a result of this woman's influence, an enduement of heavenly power that would launch him into a fruitful, lifelong ministry as preacher, prophet, and penman for God.

Ada was a lovely and very suitable marriage partner for the young, serious, and largely untrained preacher. Possessing a godly family heritage, she was both literate and wise. One can easily see how her gifts complemented her husband's drive and desire to be self educated and effective in using pulpit and pen.

It is unclear to me whether Ada and A.W. were ever truly soul mates. From the beginning, it seemed that A.W. had one burning desire: to know God. Everything else was incidental. In reading the early history of their marriage I almost felt out-of-breath as I traced A.W.'s course. He accepted calls to preach at the drop of a hat and sometimes Ada was left behind to secure her own passage as best she could manage. The telling of the story made me feel as though there was never time for them to focus on each other or build a strong marital foundation.

Through the decades, Ada seemed always to be two steps behind A. W. She had to secure transportation to church services as best she could by depending on others, since her husband refused to purchase an automobile. Sometimes she walked a considerable distance to church and arrived shivering from the cold, harsh Chicago winter.

Struggling with the elements was only a small part of what Ada had to deal with. Being the one partner who was always home with their seven children, her management skills were honed to the maximum in order to stretch a "half sized" paycheck to cover daily necessities for the growing brood. Why was this popular preacher's paycheck only half sized? Because A.W. disdained money. He usually returned half of his paycheck back to the church and often refused pay increases.

Most likely, A.W. Tozer was never purposely ill-intentioned toward his wife and family, but he was so singly focused on spiritual matters that his managing of practical matters bordered on insensitivity. How do two people thrive in a marriage when, for years and years, they live and move and breathe in entirely different spheres, when one is feasting on living ideas and stimulating conversations and the other is left to feast on macaroni and cheese day after day?

If Ada did not thrive, she survived. She had too much dignity to complain openly or denigrate her husband. She "made do" on cheap food, by begging rides or taking public transportation, and to her credit even extended herself to others less fortunate than herself. But by all accounts, her life exuded a marked lack of joy.

Meanwhile, A.W. was thriving in his sphere of ministry. He spent countless hours on his knees in prayer, purportedly the secret to his heavenly perspective, his powerful preaching, and his prolific writing. Young people, especially college students, benefited greatly from his ministry and he had countless speaking and conference engagements.

As I was considering the contrast between husband and wife's circumstances, it struck me that the rich writing that I have hungrily devoured was purchased at the expense of Mrs. A.W. Tozer, all of which leads me to ask: could it have been different? If the Tozer's had enjoyed a sizzling marriage, would his focus have shifted? Would his brilliant spiritual perspective have been pulled down to mediocrity? Dare I ask....would it have been better for a man like A.W. Tozer to remain unmarried?

Because I am a pastor's wife, or perhaps only because I am a woman, my sympathies are aroused and I am indignant for Ada Tozer. My mind envisions how wrongs might have been remedied and inwardly I scold Ada's insensitive husband. Then the counter arguments present themselves; great things are achieved at great cost. Both members of the marriage sacrificed themselves in different ways, and as this biography reveals, even the greatest and best among us are still only flawed earthen vessels.

A.W. said, toward the end of his life, "I've had a lonely life."

Hauntingly, Ada's recorded words were very similar: "No one knew what a lonely life I had."

There is a sense of sadness when one reads those words. Surely the difficult circumstances were not insurmountable, surely God intended joy in the midst of such circumstances. Why did they fail to penetrate the loneliness, to share the joy?

My personal experience leads me to believe that loneliness can be endured if there are sure occasions of emotional connection to look forward to. When those connecting times wane, I think that the human soul seeks to build a protective shell around the heart, a shield against the pain of loneliness. A vicious cycle is established---it becomes increasingly difficult to bridge the barrier between two beating hearts. The story of A.W. and Ada Tozer gives me renewed impetus to keep and hold sacred regular times of connecting emotionally with my beloved. Youth can rely on spontaneity, but as the years go by and responsibilities increase it takes a purposeful effort to guard spaces of time set apart for strengthening the tie that binds.

I am left with a profound sense of gratitude to both A.W. and Ada Tozer for their sacrifices and gifts that continue to strengthen my spiritual life. I am also left with the great certainty that in spite of the joy they may have missed in this life, there is a Biblical guarantee that
"Those who sow in tears
Shall reap in joy"
Psalm 126:5

15 comments:

Cam said...

Being in an unequally yoked lonly marriage I think I may see both sides a bit. Did Ada look to Jesus to be the source of her contentment and joy? Did Pastor Tozer have such an intimate relationship with God that he couldn't find another human he related with at the time? Did all other relationships pale in comparison? This may explain their lonliness.

Poiema said...

Good questions, and I'm sure as onlookers we cannot make an accurate judgement. I do think, however, that intimacy with Christ should have the effect of making us more accessible on the human level---Jesus being the perfect example of that. Thanks for your comments!

Michael Lyman said...

The simple fact is that Tozer was not qualified to be an elder and if you are close to God you will desire to and have good relationships with others. Jesus was closer to the Father than anyone ever. How are His relationships with those while He was on earth and now?. Tozer believed salvation could be lost and held to many other erroneous views of God. Follow good examples of godliness in men like Spurgeon, Whitefield, Newton, Carey, Slessor and others.

Michael Lyman said...

The simple fact is that Tozer was not qualified to be an elder and if you are close to God you will desire to and have good relationships with others. Jesus was closer to the Father than anyone ever. How are His relationships with those while He was on earth and now?. Tozer believed salvation could be lost and held to many other erroneous views of God. Follow good examples of godliness in men like Spurgeon, Whitefield, Newton, Carey, Slessor and others.

Annabel said...

I read Tozers bio some time ago and ask myself how GE could love God and not even love his family? He constantly ignored 1 Tim 3,5 as well as 1 John 4,20 in his own life. This makes a very poor testimony despite all His merit for Christ and sound teaching.

philwithJESUS said...

Thanks for this blog. I have been so encouraged with Tozer's writings and I find it really hard to take that his wife and children suffered through his neglect or inability to engage with them.

I know this is an old blog and I am not very good at expressing myself. I guess I was wondering what or how some other people coped with these things. I very much like what you said, '...[it gave you] renewed impetus to keep and hold sacred regular times of connecting emotionally with [your] beloved.'

I agree also, that 'loneliness could be endured if there were sure occasions of emotional connection to look forward to.' Our God is good and even if there are no 'sure connections', we need not go the way of 'building protective shells around our hearts', for we have a lover of our souls, even if our senses are dull, who does all our sorrows share and it is good as we begin being laid hold of by God's written words knowing '...all things work together for good to [us who] love God, to [us] who are the called according to [his] purpose.'

Thank you sister, and keep pursuing your 'purposeful efforts, strengthening the tie that binds'.



Bless you and see you in the New Heaven and the New Earth,

philwithJESUS

Hos 11:4 I drew them with cords of a man, with bands of love: and I was to them as they that take off the yoke on their jaws, and I laid meat unto them. KJV

Unknown said...

This is reminiscent of what Charles Stanley's wife said, "He had his priorities and I wasn't one of them." Likewise, Tolstoy's wife remarked (I paraphrase here) that in all the years that she was married to him, not once did he give her even a few moments of rest from raising the children. Come on, this isn't hard to figure out.

The human condition has been aptly described by the writers of Old and particularly New Testaments, as being deeply sinful. When a man spends five hours a day in prayer and worship, but forces his wife to beg for sustenance - whether rides to church or for food from the grocery store, he is telling us about a God who is more centered in Himself than in loving His people. No matter what he writes or says, this is what he is saying about God, Himself. He is describing to us, a selfish and heady God, who may have died for His people but now remains aloof to them.

Is this the description of God that the Bible gives? Is this the God who died for us on Calvary?

I understand that there will be times of loneliness for those engaged in ministry, but think of what this woman (Ada) did for her husband: she provided a clean home, meals, and raised his children. She made sure he had clean clothes. His sheets were washed, and the floor was swept. He ate regular meals. To force such a woman to rely on others for rides and basic necessities, so that he can claim a life of stoic frugality and piety, demonstrates the thinking of a deeply backward and self-involved man. There is nothing godly about withholding necessities from those charged to one's care, when such conditions weren't necessary.
Only a brute overlooks such things, while worshipping God. Sorry, these men may be "spiritual giants" but they have not understood some of the most basic things our Lord taught. "The greatest among you shall be your servant." Matthew 23:11. Perhaps it is Ada who will, in the end, be rewarded most in heaven.

Unknown said...

This aspect of Tozer's life has been most disappointing to me. It calls into question his own understanding of the spiritual growth principles he presented to his followers. His own family was witness against him. How, then, did he regard all those who followed his preaching? Did he even see them, except as amorphous and admiring recipients of a message he felt impressed to give?

I think he was blinded by his own ego and his own success -- to treat his own family so poorly and for so long. To not even allow relatives to visit -- what on earth does that say, except to point to some kind of psychological or personality disorder?

Signed, Composernan

hollis101 said...

I had heard that Ada made the comment that, “A.W. Tozer loved God but Leonard Odam loved me.” This deeply saddened me that such a great spiritual giant as A. W. Tozer was a man who was blinded to his lack of care and love for his family. It amazes me that a man of prayer such as he, was not listening to the promptings of the Holy Spirit that was surely given to him during his prayer time about the needs of his family. However, let’s be careful to not be pulling the speck out of his eye when we may well have planks concerning our marital relationships in our own eyes. He was a sinner as much as anyone else, including Solomon. Solomon was the wisest man who ever lived, yet his life with 500 wives and concubines that were probably mainly political marriages, his constant building projects, and a heart that did not seek after God like his father, David, wrote most of the Proverbs, Song of Solomon, and Ecclesiastes. All three books are part of the wisdom books of the Old Testament. And though he was not the best spiritual example for us, God has used his writings to bless and guide us today. We don’t throw them or the Psalms out of the Word because he and his father committed adultery. In the same way, we don’t need to ignore what A.W. Tozer taught, but take what he wrote and draw nearer to God. Connie

Unknown said...

Well said

Unknown said...

How did his children turn put? That could be revealing as well. Hpus in prayer and study would leave him time to study his children and guide them

Unknown said...

It is a command of our great God that "a man shall bring happiness to his wife" (Deut 24:5). A man must "first learn to show piety at home" (1Tim 5:4).

chukker said...

When I read about Tozer’s utter lack of concern for his wife, I no longer saw him as a spiritual giant, but rather as a very small man. He had all the right spiritusl words but none of the fruits of the spirit.

Poiema questions if a stronger connection with his wife would’ve detracted from his ministry; my thoughts are how much, much more God would’ve blessed him, and how much more Tozer could have done for the Kingdom. He stifled God’s blessing.

If marriage is the earthly depiction of Christ’s love for the Church (i.e., the body of Christ), and the husband ought be willing to lay down his life for his wife, how woefully derailed was Tozer’s life. A reprehensible illustration of Christ/God/godliness to his children, as well.

I must wonder how many of his seven children were embittered towards the things of God because of Tozer’s ill-treatment of Ada.

Under Grace said...

Until we are glorified, there are no saints who are in sinless perfection. In Tozer's case, put it simply, even as he honored God in certain areas of his life, he was disobedient to God's words in the particular area of marriage such as in Eph 5:25-33. In this case, Tozer needed repentance. I am not sure if there were any in the body of Christ that was part of his church community who called him on it.

The challenge is that in all ages, and in each of our lives, there are particular spiritual areas that we may be blind to which is why we continue to need the work of the Holy Spirit, the Word of God, and the body of Christ to help us grow into greater Christ likeness.

Bruce said...

Thank you for this post. It gives all of us a somber warning and reminder that true spirituality is all about relationships and "to love your neighbor as yourself". For those of us who are married, our closest neighbor is our spouse. I wonder too about A.W. Tozer's community life with other believers. Was his approach to personal piety so narrowly focused on a inner life with God that there were no brothers in Christ in his inner circle that could help him overcome his blind spots? To truly follow Christ we need to do so in-step with other believers.